by Jay Whitecotton

I’m of the last generation that still has an inner Bully screaming inside its conscience. A harsh voice that creeps up anytime I think a thought that doesn’t agree with the mentality of the late 80’s, early 90’s era.

It happens when I put on a scarf: The word “faggot” pops into my head, as if keeping my neck fashionably warm were a crime against my sexuality. I’ll tell a girl I don’t possess the ability to drive stick, and hear “pussy” slowly chant its way to the forefront of my psyche.

‘NERD!’ is being yelled at me right now as I finish this very sentence. It’s pathetic, dumb, and a ghost of a time when that mentality flourished.

Often I have fantasized about what it would be like for that blonde douche from those 80’s movies, if he were somehow teleported to today’s Portland. Bewildered on a busy street, giggling at lesbians holding hands, black skateboarding Trekkies, and purse wearing men.

He laughs a solid hour, but eventually crumbles in sadness when society mocks his outdated mentality and women shun him for geek sheik folk artists. (NO ONE TELL HIM THERE’S A BLACK PRESIDENT).

What we haven’t realized yet (and what Billy Zabka already knew) is that being a Nerd doesn’t mean you’re automatically a good person. If you ever watched the ‘Revenge of the Nerds’ movies, you assume the underdog Tri Lambdas are the good guys. (While completely ignoring the fact that one dons a mask and rapes a girl who’s too drunk to tell he’s not her boyfriend)

What those movies don’t show you is what happens after the Jocks are pushed aside and the Nerds allowed their freedom of expression. They get Nerd Confidence – and in my opinion, Nerd Confidence is what is ruining the fabric of our society.

Do you hate hipsters? Hate how shitty and condescending they are to everyone not like them? Yeah those are Nerd Bullies. When you deny jocks their inherent right to bully, you get an entire generation of vape-smoking assholes, proclaiming the virtues of Afro-Celt metal and scoffing at everything you like.

As if having your own separate tastes makes you inferior.

I may be a little jealous. Truthfully I think I was born 10 years too early. All the things I loved growing up, that made me feel unique while brutally picked on, are now either accepted or extremely popular.

I grew up loving old Blues and reading Sci Fi/Fantasy novels. I appreciated the Beat writers from a childhood raised in bars by a shit head father, and I could quote every lyric off ‘Small Change’.

Loving these things meant never getting laid, never having close friends, and most of my belongings destroyed by toilet flush.

I feel like I earned my tastes.

Now – an entire generation has adopted the things I grew up loving alone and not a goddamn any of them are worth commiserating with. They didn’t earn it. They bought it. Growing up in a culture that lets you define yourself based not on struggle and integrity, but by what you purchase.

They are a generation of collectors. Albums, genres, films, symbols, everything bought and categorized to attain perfect and rigid hipness, devoid of any actual substance. They’ve made it impossible for me to admit how much I love Tom Waits and Charles Bukowski out of fear that I, myself be labeled a goddamn Hipster.

“Fuck you!” I’d exclaim. “I was into that shit way before those bitches!” (Doing absolutely nothing for my ‘I’m not a Hipster’ argument)

I feel this rage inside me at the movies, ssurrounded by a sea of costumed Avengers all openly allowed to enjoy the things they like – IN PUBLIC.

I feel this urge to slap Captain America’s shield out of his soft Pocky stained fingers and then kick it across the floor as he bends to pick it up. I know it’s not right, but damn if it doesn’t kinda feel right.

With no Bullies, Nerds have grown up free to express themselves. Free to create arbitrary standards of whats good and what’s shit. Judging you with fierce condemnation over the slightest violation of their dumb mythologies. Trust me. Say aloud how Batman is your favorite Avenger and watch the eagerness they have to pounce on your statements while seething in murderous rage.

(They get so angry over shit that isn’t even real. It’s like they’re Christians!)

Worse yet, Hot Chicks are fucking them for it. It’s taken awhile, but Hot Chicks have learned the secret only homely girls knew thus far: Nerds are super low-maintenance and easier to manipulate than jocks. Plus comic books are just male soap operas and by adopting Nerd Culture – they get to dress up as Sluts way more than the obligatory Halloween.

Where’s the danger in all this?

With no Bullies to keep happiness and expression at bay, we’re seeing a lower output of actual Nerd intelligence. Getting laid and lack of fear have led to heroin-strength addictions to World of Warcraft and viewership of AMC’S the stupid Talking Dead show. Without the checks and balances of Jocks and Pussy, our Nerds have no reason to push themselves harder to succeed.

Take Game of Thrones. Somehow a show that promised us dragons, zombies, and a throne of swords has become mostly a show about wedding engagements and dick pix.

If this keeps going, our future will be a nightmare of lazy, fat, pretentious assholes arguing over Mario Kart while their boring, fake-glasses-wearing wives take selfie after selfie. There will be no more children, because Mom and Dad will be too self-interested to fuck – and probably only cum Mountain Dew when they even try.

Pop a collar and dump a few heads in some toilets before it’s too late!

Whatever happens – Just remember I said it first.

Jay Whitecotton is a Stand Up Comedian from San Antonio, TX now living in Austin. He’s written columns for magazines without any journalistic credibility – toured professionally as a guitarist, despite no lessons – and sold a script that was never made into a movie… 

– He likes dragons


Originally posted on with permission of Jay.

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