by Jay Whitecotton
 

I just featured at Rivercenter Comedy Club. Shit went down on Friday with some hecklers. They said they were “gonna give a bad Yelp review.

My response?

“Oh Yeah?! Well I’m gonna Yelp this Audience!”

I was in San Antonio for the week to perform stand up comedy at The Rivercenter Comedy Club. It was within walking distance of the condo they had provided for me to stay. I saw a smattering of people arrive to get their seats, one group was already loud and slightly more obnoxious then you’re used to seeing in public. I thought that they were probably going to scam the rest of the audience out of a good show.

The first comic was terribly trying to get through his act while this table of bitches refused to shut up. They kept giggling to each other between openly mocking the performer and checking their phones. I had to follow this poor fellow who was trying his best to be extremely professional so as to earn more paid work in the future.

I started my act, but found it increasingly difficult to fight their complete lack of respect for their surroundings. I found myself forced to direct material towards the audience in an effort to personalize and engage the other members of the crowd as to overcome the growing disturbance these bitches were making.

People around this particular table were becoming agitated with their antics. A few had gotten up to alert management of their dissatisfaction with this table. I was forced to address the situation.

I stood over them and proceeded to try and shut them down.

I pointed out that they were being rude, acting like high school children and disrespecting everyone around them who were trying to enjoy the show. I pointed out to the old woman of the group who was clearly trying to retain the last shred of her now faded youth that she was way too old to adopt the self-entitlement these younger bitches were desperately selling themselves on.

I might have apologized on the behalf of menopause as well… but I’m not very clear on this. I do remember pointing out that even the two US soldiers sitting in the front were uncomfortable due to their behavior. Men who have seen friends die in combat.

While admonishing them they continued to ignore me, chattering and making faces to each other as if over a high school cafeteria table (in all fairness the seating arrangement was exactly like a high school cafeteria). I pointed out to one girl that she “was too pretty to make such an ugly face.” She was evidently  disgusted that I had the gall to lie about her attractiveness.

They tried to answer me back cleverly, but it was to no avail. They were fairly stupid and just not able to stay focused on linear thought. I felt sincere regret for a moment and questioned whether or not they were in town for the ‘special needs’ convention. Having done numerous shows for those particular charities I felt a bit regretful that I had not come to that conclusion before and would never want to exploit the mentally challenged in any way. They assured me they were not ‘special needs’ much to my relief.

My only option was to ask if anyone at the back tables were interested in having a good time. One table loudly proclaimed that they indeed were and I suggested that the two tables exchanged seats in an effort to give the Chinese philosophy of Feng Shui a chance at saving the show.

To my surprise they obliged, but true to being absolute bitches, they made sure to do it as loudly as possible. Proclaiming to all in the showroom not to “laugh at any of this guy’s jokes,” so they could justify their behavior.

Yes. Not high school at all…

At this time they proceeded to talk even louder in the back and became more confrontational when the manager reminded them that “all cell phone calls were to take place outside the showroom”. He also pointed out that quite a few tables were complaining about their behavior. Their response was “Fuck those people. We don’t care about them.”

To which the manager made it clear that they were no longer welcome and could leave immediately. They took this suggestion very well and said their goodbye’s in the form of “Fuck you, you’re just a manager!” and “We’re gonna give you a bad review!”

The show went on fine if not reasonably better without them. The headliner after me sold quite a few shirts depicting border signs of many Mexicans crossing over to America with an array of baby carriages, extended family and little dogs.

I went back to the condo and pretended to sleep while the apartment manager living next door blasted his Hip Hop til 5am in the morning. The next day I found myself in my grandmother’s hospice saying my last goodbyes.

I’m so glad she won’t be alive to see me pursue my dreams.

*This review has 4 stars, but if I could review this particular table of Bitches known on Yelp as “Bush A.” – I would give them none, but the vast emptiness of Space between the actual Stars themselves.

Jay Whitecotton is a Stand Up Comedian from San Antonio, TX now living in Austin. He’s written columns for magazines without any journalistic credibility – toured professionally as a guitarist, despite no lessons – and sold a script that was never made into a movie… 

– He likes dragons

 

Originally posted on http://www.JayWhitecotton.com with permission of Jay.