By Coleman Cox

Some people say that you shouldn’t interview the cocaine crazed cholo at the end of your street. Some other, less motivated, mainstream journalists might scoff at the idea. Hell, some websites wouldn’t even post something like that.

“It’s a bad idea.” They say. “Don’t push buttons that don’t need to be pushed!” They warn. “Get out of my house! I don’t have anything valuable!” they plead. Well, I know better. I won’t be scared by their warnings. Their childish worries. Their threats to call the police if I don’t put some pants on and get out of their house. Then they get all mad when I steal their pants.

I’m not that type of journalist. I don’t listen to those people. I don’t listen to common sense, no matter how common. I don’t care about your opinions. And on top of all that, I’m lucky enough to know one site with the cajones and foresight to get this information out.

Why? I don’t know. I’m not a psychologist. All I’ve got is a sense of where the story is. A nose for news, some might call it. And for some reason, my nose was eager to sniff whatever was going down at the end of the street. Not that side. The other side. You know, with the cocaine and everything.
Anyway, after I was resolved to produce this interview, I took my notebook and, like, forty dollars for no particular reason and headed down the street.

Our first encounter was contentious:

“The fuck you doing on my block hombre?” He nervously asked.

“I live here.” I confidently and handsomely responded.

“I LIVE HERE! AAAH!” He whispered.

He stood taller, as if to frighten me with his size. I was familiar with this trick though, and was not fazed. I quickly brought out a handful of oats. He approached cautiously but with interest. Within ten minutes I had him on his back, enjoying my bounty of oats while I softly stroked the back of his neck.

What? Of course I laced the oats with pot.

Shut up! The interview is beginning:

So what made you want to be a cocaine crazed cholo?

Well, I don’t know. I guess I just always stood out from other people, you know? I could always sense that there were some underlying problems with how people went about their daily lives, and I wanted to point out those inconsistencies in a humorous way. Also I loved cocaine. Also I loved mugging people and being in a gang.

Interesting. Are you feeling it yet?

What?

I mean, are you feeling that you found your niche? To be constructive and hilarious?

Not really. I mean, I just sort of sell cocaine and kidnap people for ransom money and listen to Daddy Yankee really loudly at 2AM while people are trying to sleep.

Yes. And you will pay for your crimes.

What?

Nothing. Anyway, do you have any advice for people that want to become cocaine crazed cholos?

DON’T. Hahaha. But seriously, just stick with it you know? You gotta follow your dreams. No matter how crazy. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought of giving up. Always save a line for times like those.

Thanks for the interview.

Get the fuck out of my house gringo.

Interviewed & Written by: Coleman Cox