What To Expect When You’re Not Expecting

By Coleman Cox

Advice booklets have become commonplace. About.com-type sites are on the rise (for all you know) and more than any other time in history, people are looking for advice to solve problems.

Some problems don’t allow for the time it takes to look up a bit of advice on your smartphone, sometimes you need to improvise. Even if you could, would you really want to follow the advice of some fat guy, typing on the internet, posting theoretical solutions to your problems, who also probably lives with his mom? No, of course you wouldn’t.

Get that out of here mom!

Why did I type that?

Is there a god?

Anyway, there’s one option we usually overlook until we’re in the heat of the moment. That’s the frightened/panicky way, and it could save your live. I mean, life. Dear god the pills.

What to do during a fire:

In order to put out a fire that has started in your house, first-OH GOD! WHAT IS THAT!? A BUG!? It’s too fire-like to be a bug! Throw something at it! Maybe you can scare it away! Throw the phone! Now you can’t call 911! You’re in deep shit now Jerry. There’s only one option left! You must try to appease the flame.

Part 2: What to do when your girlfriend finds you praying to a gas stove:

SECTION MISSING.

What to do during a tornado:

Aw man, that bowl of oatmeal was really good wasn’t it? Now it’s time to settle down for some Letterman. Hmmm. Feel like you forgot something? Well, the stove’s off, the t.v.’s off, and that thing’s chained up in the basement.

What could be wrong?

Did you forget to feed that thing?

Holy nunfuck, it’s a giant tornado! Descending from the heavens, it barrels down on your house like so many punches from a god that’s really doing it because he loves you. But unlike any normal case of domestic abuse, you can’t make this go away by crying in the closet. WAIT! Maybe you can! Go hide in the closet. Just like they say to do in those National Geographic documentaries about what to do when tornadoes strike! Don’t go into the basement Jerry! Now you’ve released that thing into the world! Well, fuck, you might as well hide in the basement now.

Here you are. Safe in the basement. Do you want the good news or the bad news first?

Fuck you, I’m running this thing. You’re getting the bad news.

The downside is that you’ve lost your house, your belongings, and, essentially, your livelihood. But let’s look at the upside.

First of all, you’ve learned something about detachment from material possessions, and you always did have a fascination with Buddhism. Second, you made it out alive. Sure, you let the creature out of the basement, but it was probably killed by the tornado anyway. And really, was the world ready for a foul-mouthed unicorn? Thirdly, you’ve made friends with a metaphysical deity from another realm, who controls all aspects of your life. Here you go Jerry. Have a new house.

Coleman Cox
Twitter @colemanscox

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